“Eternally She Lives, Forever She Dies.”

“Gujaarish” (meaning ‘Request’) is an Indian movie masterpiece starring Ash and Rithik, and the cigarette smoking scene in the speeding car vividly paints the agonies and ecstasies of their relationship. I have tried to capture these contours and “breaking free moments” in my poem: 

“Eternally She Lives, Forever She Dies.”

-Intimately, she lit a cigarette between my lips…

Tendering tiny tendrils of life, never yet lived,

Passionately, over precious puffs she lingered…

Her parched soul too, by life, lusted to be kissed.

-With yearning eyes, primal passions she ignited…

With tempting touch, forbidden fantasies she lighted,

Her scent so intoxicating, languorous life I inhaled…

Her silence so seductive, infernal inhibitions I exhaled.

-Wind in the hair and longings in the heart…

Desire daredevil, euphoric like a prancing dart,

Luring labyrinth mysterious! Whispering wishes run amok…

donning dancing hooves, waltz like wanton wants. 

-Snatching lifetime, for an instant from time’s grip…

Extracting every ounce, its sweet nectar insatiably we sip,

Intoxicating love, nuanced yet intense…

Scorch our spirits, souls, sanity and sense.

-Tentalizing touch of her fingertips to cigarette my quivering lips…

Stir memories of our tempestuous times and trials under veils,

Soon to fade away with the drifting smoke…

 Poignant reminder of life unfulfilled, a cruel joke.

-I was destined to be wasted, and she by design…

She gave me all of her, and much more to align,

Transient time tethered, stood still for some time…

Sanguine souls fused forever, but bereft bodies pine.

-What is she to me: a mother, a lover, a sister, a friend ?

Undefined relationship, ensconced in feelings unexplained,

Agonizing and exhilarating, is our unspoken bond…

Unfathomable! It’s much more…above, deep and beyond.

-I was Sisyphus! Struggling to claim what was not to be…

Now I surrender, for life chose not to be in me,

She insane in her fight, I triumphant in my defeat…

In this tragedy, there was nothing to win and none to beat.

-My life is her liberation, and death my freedom…

Right or wrong, in the twilight of finality who can fathom,

As I say goodbye, my death she wants to defy…

But death is the ugly truth, life but a beautiful lie.

-Life lifeless we lived, yet clinging to the magnificent moment…

My existence is her life, our parting her torment,

In death’s shadow, imprisoned and intertwined are our lives…

Within me, eternally she lives! With me, forever she dies!

 

Disclaimer: I am not aware whether I am violating any copyright by posting these pics. I have no intention of piracy and have posted these pics only to make my poem come alive. I am prepared to remove these pics if the copyright owners (if any) so wish. Thanks

OF CONSTRUCTION, DECONSTRUCTION AND DESTRUCTION !

Using a metaphor, I call her Life. 

Life which is full of cunning, deceit and treachery !

Life taught me there are elements of Construction & Deconstruction in poetry, as in life.

But she Constructed to Destruct.

An uniquely sordid and sinister drama unfolds when she constructs and destructs her own love poetry while devouring John Donne and Neruda….where she designs, directs and becomes the protagonist…..to construct a new poetry, by destroying the old.  

It is her Masterstroke, but the game is not over, not yet !

Now let me take you on this journey of Construction and Destruction to arrive at the truth that the REAL was SURREAL at best and FAKE at its worst !

To take you on this journey which begins with Seduction and culminates into Ruination, I have put together some of my writings and a few quotes :

 

CONSTRUCTION

 Seduction By Life !

O Life how you seduce me…

I lust for you or you lust for me ?

O voluptuous, sensuous life,

You suck me in your beautiful body, you devour me in your exuberant soul !

Your sights n smells, sounds n scents so exciting….

Your contours n curves, crannies n crevices so enticing…..

You engulf me like flames of forest fire !

You embrace me n kiss me with primal passion…

You dance in me and i dance inside you … with joy unbound n exhilaration….

A particle in whirlwind gyrating with gay abandon…..

O Life You inflame decadent desire !

O Life you tempt with hedonistic pleasure !

I swim in your waters, I dive in the depths of your valleys…

 I climb your hills, I fathom your forests of lilys…

Life… you enthrall, you invigorate !

Life…you invite, you intoxicate !

Life….you energize, you stimulate !

You attract, you addict, you attack, you arrest !

You call, You seek, you beckon, you challenge !

O alluring fascinating Life, You charm me out of my wits,

I am eternally thirsty to drink the love-poison from your lips !

O Life you lure, you hunt, you thrill…. n you kill….

And like a woman wily n wanton, you spoil !

Life dear, You enter my soul n my soul enters you to meet, merge n mate,

And how I cherish n our tempestuous relationship I celebrate !

Oh Life how you seduce me,

I lust for you and you lust for me…!

 

 DESTRUCTION

 Excerpts from my Blog: “Absurdity of Love n Existence…in the context of Lover’s treachery”

Deeply influenced by Camus and the absurdity of love and existence,…..I write about the life of this lover…life which is not a theatre of the absurd, …but a life of absurdity…a living, palpitating absurdity.

….I never perceived the full meaning of lifelong struggle to get back lost love, as I was not a party to it, as I had not lost you then, nor ever dreamt of losing you ever. I am hit by its full import now as you have gone away and abandoned me for another, as I suffer and pine for you. To have you back in my life is my futile struggle reflected in my silent quest, in my hopeless hope, and the anguished cry which escapes from my soul, reaches your heart but touches you not.

….. So is the absurdity I face in my life now…I know you will never come back, but I keep asking, shamelessly, unmindful of the humiliating rejections….I settle for the life of subjugation, to the misery of circumstances… with an attitude of acceptance.

…. though I am fully conscious of my fate and futility,  I cannot escape the struggle…for i can endure it. By embracing the hopelessness, I am aware of the limitations of life…therefore, I discerningly revolt against my fate….this futility…by continuing to toil and try. And I rebel with inner strength and moral courage.

But I am yet to reach a stage where I am free from my anxieties about you, about return of love from you…for I keep hoping…Though I choose a life that is without appeal and hope, my heart still keeps appealing…and hoping…and I keep asking for your love. Though I am indifferent to the future, i cherish my present struggle for your love to the fullest, even if you…the object of my desire…find it deplorable and despicable.

You will be convinced of my arguments, my sincerity, my thoughts n feelings, and the seriousness of my efforts to regain my love only by my death, therefore I die thousand deaths daily.

I am continuing in my misery with a profound understanding of it…I wonder whether I am beginning to savour it. I believe seeking you, your love… is more momentous than suicide…..which serves no purpose. My situation is hopeless and gloomy….and the hopelessness and the gloom are eternal, but I am thoughtlessly immersed in my pursuit and I think neither of hope nor of hopelessness. I am fully aware of the absurdity.

“Basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all, there is only absurdity, and more absurdity. And maybe that’s what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity..” (Camus)

And I am lucid enough to understand the futility.

And I stand triumphant in my tragedy !

And I love you !

 

Of Broken Sandal and Heart

Oh…such was the intensity when we first met,

her sandals broke…

I put the broken sandals on her feet,

and we carried on, she limping along !

Was it harbinger of the day she repaid

by placing my heart on my hands after breaking it ?

 

Body and Mind

She said I made her a woman

And she took away my manhood !

She said she came to me for my  mind

But she left me for some  “body” !

Her metamorphosis was oh so swift so urgent

She lost no time and developed wings to desert me !

My deepening lines now did not impress her, my wit n repartee now of no report,

Empty and redundant now I was, for she had found someone abundant !

 

The Difference

What could have been between us, was never to be….

You swore by love and I lay all my trust in trust,

 I did not prove you wrong…

But you did by breaking my trust !

 

The Lesson

“When you finally trust someone,

without any doubt you finally get one of the two results,

 A person for Life, Or

A LESSON FOR LIFE”

 

Lafjon ki Dhokebaazi

I did not ask, and you did not tell,

when I did ask, you weaved “lafjon ki dhokebazi”.

 

Lie n Truth

You can’t lie to your soul,

for your soul knows your truth, your deception !

 

Perceptions

There are things known and things unknown,

There are words said and words unsaid…

And in between are the doors of perception !

 

Road to Enlightenment

Deception…Perception…
Confirmation…Liberation…
Enlightenment !

 

Naturally So

She couldn’t help Deceiving….. again n again,

It is Her nature !

I couldn’t help Trusting….. time n again,

It’s Mine !

 

Of Fake Love

Shout from the roof-tops,

0r wear it as a badge….

What is Love….but fake,

If it’s the Trust you break !

 

Fareb

Meri kitab ke har ek panne, har ek lafj pe sirf usika jikr hai,

jao ek baar uski ankhon me jhaank aao…..

dikhayi degi meri mohabbat,

aur uska fareb !

 Every page, every word of my book is full of her,

Go, look into her eyes once….

You will see my love,

And her treachery !

 

Real ? Surreal ? Fake ?

Yes her love was exquisite n  beautiful….

But like a plastic flower,

She was neither Real nor Surreal….

But a FAKE !

 

Careful Destruction

She took great care in destroying me,

After all she “loved” me so !

 

Right & Wrong

I believed we were beyond right or wrong,

But she wronged me saying it was right !

 

The Truth

The Unfaithful is faithfully so,

The Shameless is shamelessly so….

The twain meet in the Treacherous !

 

Parijat, Tea, Notebook and Bridges

Many a mornings i plucked fragile n fragrant PARIJAT for her with great care,

One morning she trampled upon them with scorn n glee…

the fragments n fading fragrance remain in my painful memory !

Many a afternoons i brewed TEA for her with great care n served delicately in China,

One afternoon she put poison of her deceit in my cup….

This poison circulates forever in my veins !

Many a days we wrote n read the NOTEBOOK of love together,

One day she tore it up and threw the torn pages away….

The words mock me mournfully !

Over the years we built the BRIDGES and crossed them hand-in-hand time n again,

She burnt the Bridges n threw the ashes to the winds…..

I ran after it and collected a handful, crestfallen n ashen-faced !

Now i love Parijat, Tea, Notebook and Bridges more….

Coz they remind me of her treachery !

 

Stranger in the Mirror

I stood before the mirror

And saw a stranger,

I asked: who are you ?

Stranger replied: I was !

 

Life Wish

I wish I met some people a little earlier,

some a little later,

and You never at all !

 

Paths

Our paths may cross again at times….

though I wish not !

If they do, I will step aside and make way for you…..

to pass unnoticed !

Now that Destruction is complete, my existential crisis is over. Am neither leading the Camus’s tragic life of exercise in futility nor contemplating metamorphosis into an insect as depicted by Kafka.

“If life can remove people you never dreamed of losing,

 it can replace them with someone you never dreamed of having” !

And as Oscar Wilde said :

 “The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly deceived”.

Parijat

 

For me, the treacherous are now IRRELEVANT !

Now I have left my pain, anger and bitterness behind to set myself free from the prison I was in. Two, too close to me n taking advantage of my unquestioning trust in them, consciously conspired to commit monumental treachery and fraud upon me. This began about two to three years ago I think….right under my nose n I didn’t even smell it…how could I…..so complete was my faith in them. About a year and few months back, their deceit was revealed. I was crestfallen, torn into pieces. It was so difficult to heal the wound and I went berserk. Now I look back and realize, they did good to me by their treachery n deceit….for that showed me their true colours and allowed me to free myself from the bondage, from the fake.

As the new year dawns, I look back with satisfaction n happiness and bask in the glow n glory of new, beautiful relationships. “If life can remove people you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamed of having”.

Now i can ignore the treacherous as they are relevant no more !

(Note: As told to me by someone, put in my words though.)

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Of broken Sandal and Heart !

Oh…such was the intensity when we first met, her sandals broke…

But I put the broken sandals on her feet,

and we carried on, she limping along !

Was it harbinger of the day she repaid……

by placing my heart on my hands after breaking it ?

IMG_20180306_191637

 

Parijat, Tea, Notebook n Bridges

Many a mornings i plucked fragile n fragrant PARIJAT for her with great care,

One morning she trampled upon them with scorn n glee…

the fragments n fading fragrance remain  in my painful memory !

Many a afternoons i brewed TEA for her with great care n served delicately in China,

One afternoon she put poison of her deceit in my cup….

This poison circulates forever in my veins !

Many a days we wrote n read the NOTEBOOK of love together,

One day she tore it up and threw the torn pages away….

The words mock me mournfully !

Over the years we built the BRIDGES and crossed them hand-in-hand time n again,

She burnt the Bridges n threw the ashes to the winds…..

I ran after it and collected a handful, crestfallen n ashen-faced !

Now i love Parijat, Tea, Notebook and Bridges more….

Coz they remind me of her treachery !

IMG_20180306_191518